Comes in waves

The Spanish Project: dos

Have you ever experienced Cabin Fever before?

You know. It’s that claustrophobic feeling one gets when feeling trapped or stuck. Like the walls are closing in and suddenly its hard to breathe. It can make a person stir-crazy and manic. Making rash decisions without thinking it over. Not coming from a place of spontaneity but desperation.

These are all feelings I am far too familiar with. Often spending restless nights, with my mind wavering and completely deranged by the morning. It used to be worse, just 4 months ago when I was living at home. I would have entire pages in notebooks dedicated to different plans and ideas of ‘escape routes.’ Some only leading to Ontario, others down to Mexico.

Since moving out, my mind has eased. One could say that these feelings were stirred up due to my teenage angst and need to be independent from my family. Or perhaps the lack of a window I had growing up – I’d often imagine that I were a bird being kept in a shoe box or living in a bunker underground.

But those feelings are still there sometimes, like I’ll only be content once I’ve left this town, this province and even the country.

Its not because I hate this place and these people. I am so grateful for everything, and everyone I had growing up. I had a great childhood. But I think its time that I move on. I’ve felt this way for awhile now.

My mom used to call me “Curious George,” because for one, I resembled a monkey – my ears would stick out and I’d walk like a little orangutan – and second because I was genuinely interested and CURIOUS for the world around me. Having to touch and explore everything. Often being told to “Put that down!” or “Don’t touch that!”

On some level, I require change and movement. I get restless without it. But to some degree we all do. Often taking it out on our work lives, love life, and overall sanity. I think its because we run out of excitement and happiness. Often being bored by life, becoming ungrateful

But I think Its whether or not we are willing to let go and move on from whatever feelings are holding us back, and tied to our ankles. Because I have come to realize that happiness moves in waves and is a fluid presence that can’t be held on to. And the tighter you squeeze, the faster it disappears.

We need to accept that things aren’t meant to last forever. And once this wave has passed, you can’t wait around in the water for it to come back. Because it won’t.

But we are all bound to surf more than one. There is an entire ocean, an entire world, an entire lifetime filled with possibility and opportunities. I refuse to let my attachment, fear or doubt hold me back. I’ll ride one wave at a time, and live for the moment. Because who knows how long it’ll last…

So here I go, collecting my mind, soul, body and board, preparing for the collide, I can see it on the horizon. I’m ready…


Dos – Two

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